Author: Tanmay

buffer; la flame; noise

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I took the weekend off and reflected upon a lot of things. The weird outcome of the break was the reinforcement and action upon my initial thoughts about taking up reading philosophy. The adage that reading makes you grow and makes you wiser is something I experience after finishing any illuminating book and it is a spiritual wholesomeness that pushes my lips upwards, of course if you’re reading Murakami you might be left extremely bewildered and betrayed (more on that later).

In the humdrum and business of daily life with various people involved who contribute unknowingly to the clamor and the vulgarity of noise in society, it is easy to lose track and resign. It happens too frequently and is discouraging for creative and positive endeavors. Instead we bog down on inconsequential details to impart a facade of meaning over our lives, all the while knowing that it is a facade.

A collection of small goals that adds up to your larger goal is said to be a more effective way of doing almost anything. It seems to work for me as it allows room to breathe amongst the noise.

How do you block out the noise?

-Tanmay

buried alive; logic; reasons

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Music and loneliness have a symbiotic relationship. Music doesn’t cut away the loneliness but it sure numbs the pain that arises out of it. I remember in my second semester at univeristy I had my earphones resting on my ears constantly, no matter where I went. In February 2018 I was introduced to Logic’s Under Pressure by a fellow music enthusiast and music producer. I fell in love with Logic instantly. He is revered by a lot of people for his honest take on anxiety and depression, almost as if an older brother is listening to you and your fears. I remember sitting alone for breakfast eating quickly whilst listening to Buried Alive, the memory is etched so clearly that listening to the song again now brings back images from that time and a thump in my body because of the physiological changes that anxiety brought forth were sometimes more pronounced while listening to relatable music. It was mostly a wrenching of the gut- up and down so strong that it would force my hip up if I was on my bed.

There was a dependence that I fostered on certain types of music that helped channel some of my confusion with life into energy to get up and do shit. I owe a lot to the artists whose music I listened to then. The desperation of loneliness demands prompt attachment to anything constant. People couldn’t be there in the way I needed them to be, so an only child was still the only child at steel tables, with two hundred of his peers ten meters away. It was almost necessary, the way my life unfolded then; it made me impervious.

Everything happens for a reason and the reason is made clear after the happening; almost always.

-Tanmay

self portraiture in hell

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rough sandpaper

against my cheek,

she hummed her tale of yesteryear’s glory

and I focused on the roughness against my portrait

what if it were to leave a stain?

what if I were to be a branded man?

a marked man

taken to the gallows

for not listening to the glory of a woman

glory of fire, blood and tears in a holy mix-

injected intravenous,

with Stairway to Heaven playing in the background

I never liked that song though

would have rather listened to the cat and monkey screeching at each other

and with her tale unheard still,

she slapped me hard

and I saw stars for a moment

and then she got up and left

and so did the monkey

naturally I named the cat Persephone.

-Tanmay

screaming subconscious

~ Tanmay ~ 2 Comments

Sometimes I don’t understand the origin of the pain that seeps into my poems. The knowledge that there have been terrible experiences is not enough to explain why there is pain still. Why is there hurt hidden beneath, or is it in the air around me?

I attribute it to a subconscious that is still screaming. It is still reeling from the jolts that erupted years ago. The subconscious is screaming because it has no one to talk to- but only me to talk through. Manifesting its active pain into my passive actions. The silence that I prefer hides the screams of the void within.

The pain is too romantic to go away. It’ll cling for as long as it can. It’s a struggle to get it off and whether you like it or not there’s going to be a lot of self correction and learning then unlearning and learning again. But it’s a harder struggle per se, so I resorted to numbing myself, and making myself immune to the world, keeping my pain guarded closely in my arms, feeding its ego and nurturing it further. Till life itself became unsustainable and I was on the brink of losing a lot of what wasn’t mine to lose. I had to take charge of myself through the loneliness and the tough nights and work on my mind.

Taming the mind is a long process requiring practice and discipline, repeated a million times only to reach a point much below any semblance of excellence. Life itself is that process. The way you navigate your life is your process, and that navigation is in your hands only when you’re aware of yourself. Deciphering the meaning of the world and the purpose of existence is nothing but an attempt to understand your own life. The process requires many attributes- such as controlling impulses. I react too quickly to impulses rather than analysing how they might affect my time ahead. Reactions might trigger a fall of a long chain dominos that is nothing but a recipe for disaster. Analysing choices offers insight that will add to better judgment in the future. It sounds easy to say all of this, but the truth is we as human beings falter too much for our own good. Sometimes it’s not under our control either; but if you adopt an attitude of servitude to yourself you might lessen the negatives.

Your mind should work for you.

-Tanmay

the weeknd; homophobia; superficial twitter

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Twitter manages to disappoint me everyday and last night was no exception. Canadian R&B-pop singer The Weeknd teamed up with French musician DJ Gessafelstein releasing a single Lost in the Fire a year and a half ago. The track was a part of Gessafelstein’s album Hyperion. The Weeknd faced flak for lyrics in the song that were homophobic and fetishized lesbian relations and at the same time delegitimized lesbianism.

Hip-hop and modern R&B are replete with heavy objectification of women, homophobia and perpetuating stereotypes that have no space in the society we envision. Thus results a friction between freedom of speech and modern morality. Language is an effective tool to effect social change and fight for justice but at the same time it can be used for the oppression and subjugation of marginalized groups. Artists are called out for all kinds of acts; overt or otherwise if they are problematic and inconsistent with today’s morality. The public demands apology and more often than not, artists do comply (do they really mean it though?).

However the consumer or the fans are left with a dilemma, provided they actually pay heed to what the oppressed/insulted have felt listening to the lyrics or at the artwork in whatever form. It is important to note that the oppressed group is not always homogenous either. They have varying levels of sensibilities and hence some of them might not find offense with the art and the artist. The fans then have to decide what course of action they choose, to listen to the artist, to ‘cancel’ the artist or to draw a mental line. I belong to the last category.

I am a huge fan of The Weeknd (I am listening to Lost in the Fire as I am writing this). I also understand that his lyrics are problematic and out of sync with modern sensibilities. But to say that I am homophobic because I listen to The Weeknd would be highly absurd. A few SJWs (Social Justice Warrior) were ridiculing a guy on Twitter for his adulation of The Weeknd which devolved into teenage immature drama (they were my age though).

When I shed light on the fact that Elton John defended Eminem stating that the Rap God couldn’t be homophobic, the SJWs conveniently avoided talking about that.

For all we know The Weeknd himself might not in fact be homophobic, but whilst dedicating the song to her muse he refers to her sexuality and might have express permission to do so. There’s no way to confirm that unless he himself talks about it. We are left free to speculate.

So should he apologize? Yes.

xo’twod

PS: I am aware that my overall tone in this post is supportive of The Weeknd, and that’s cause I am a fan, but here’s another link to prove that I’m aware of the impact of his lyrics.

-Tanmay

blues and hairstreaks + ants

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Sustainability in relationships is surprising especially where there was not general bonhomie before. We make friends with a diverse group of people as we grow older and find ourselves moving in even more diverse circles professionally and socially. There are multiple studies investigating why people become friends but they’re based on probability and statistics, which render certain scientific-evidence-based overview of friendships, but I don’t believe many of us would tamper with the existing social and emotional dynamic with the people we love and cherish and put scientific labels on it.

There are some friendships based solely on the fact that the two people share one similar interest and thus they have their paths cross at those points in their life which also coincide with the execution of such interests. There are those friendships that go beyond a mono-focused interest or activity base, rather the emotional bond percolates more aspects of personal life of both the friends to the extent that important decisions which alter the lives of people are influenced too.

I have been blessed to have a few such deep relationships with people from both the aforementioned categories (there are more, however in my experience it is broadly divided in the two). It isn’t so from the very first day you meet them though. I can clearly remember my initial years at school where my introvertedness was at a peak and I had fewer friends than the fingers on my hand. The situation is much different now and I am happy for it. So it is also true for me that childhood was a peculiar time where there was often a lot of friction between the people (i.e. kids) in the way they treat each other. If not you, then at least I had that with some people then without whom I can’t imagine the life I would have today.

It is an evolutionary process I feel, where people adapt to protect each other’s vulnerabilities thereby enhancing longevity and happiness.

That’s how it’s been for me so far anyway.

-Tanmay

waste I

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colossal waste

everywhere

dirty gritty wet waste

a bud from an expensive cigarette, a can of cheap beer, a rancid half eaten apple

oh such treasures

thrown away

into streets of ignorance with thwarting eyes

until a mountain erupts

showing off beautifully

the carcasses of a million yesterdays,

a million yesterdays of despair and

sadness shoved down to our gut

and then shed and then recycled and then shoved down again

debilitating

destructing…

(To be continued)

-Tanmay

you’re not special; neither am I; sadly

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On my 5th birthday there was a clear crisp radiant rainbow in the sky. That was one day I felt I was absolutely special and that there were higher forces working for me to make my day. It felt good.

I don’t know when and how I knew from a certain age that there was no such thing as being ‘special’. Mathematics can prove that. There’s too many of us and the probability that there’s many people who are quite alike you takes away the ‘special’ quotient.

It was good for my ego I think, I didn’t have to learn that the hard way. The metric that we choose to measure whether someone is ‘special’ or not should be our own choice else you won’t be special to the only one that matters: YOU!

You may use the same metric for others or you may pick a different one. At the same time you’ll have to understand that others are also judging you through their myriad metrics etc. So you’ll not be special to everyone.

Think.

-Tanmay

the time ahead; the worries; the now

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There is no point in thinking about the future or results. They’re a manifestation of the ‘now’ and if you do ‘now’ well then the results will speak for it (in some rare cases they may not). But more or less it is contingent upon the ‘now’.

I’m optimistic about my time ahead with university/life and at the same time I dread setbacks or failures, although I performed really well this semester. I have exciting things to look forward to and have tonnes of shit to do to accomplish them and I’m pretty sure that I’ll probably fail in a lot of stuff, but that’s okay, cause I also have the confidence to keep putting in maximum effort and that eventually one highly desirable opportunity will fall in my lap.

What are you doing now?

-Tanmay

china china china

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It is disturbingly weird that all our attention for a day has been on the ban of Chinese apps. In my understanding it is a strategic move by the government who have selectively blocked those apps which had raised privacy concerns earlier. However there still remain many other applications especially money handling apps like Paytm and other “Unicorn Startups” that have substantial interest of Chinese investors. Which further confirms that it was a move to leverage China with whatever we have.

Wars have changed drastically (they did a long time ago, but I started giving a fuck only recently). The bottom line is I don’t want to live in a time which is not peace-time nor do I wanna be drafted in the defense. I’d saw my leg off to get out of it.

Peacetime is all my generation has known, and I get scared sometimes.

-Tanmay