Tag: life

buffer; la flame; noise

~ Tanmay ~ Leave a comment

I took the weekend off and reflected upon a lot of things. The weird outcome of the break was the reinforcement and action upon my initial thoughts about taking up reading philosophy. The adage that reading makes you grow and makes you wiser is something I experience after finishing any illuminating book and it is a spiritual wholesomeness that pushes my lips upwards, of course if you’re reading Murakami you might be left extremely bewildered and betrayed (more on that later).

In the humdrum and business of daily life with various people involved who contribute unknowingly to the clamor and the vulgarity of noise in society, it is easy to lose track and resign. It happens too frequently and is discouraging for creative and positive endeavors. Instead we bog down on inconsequential details to impart a facade of meaning over our lives, all the while knowing that it is a facade.

A collection of small goals that adds up to your larger goal is said to be a more effective way of doing almost anything. It seems to work for me as it allows room to breathe amongst the noise.

How do you block out the noise?

-Tanmay

buried alive; logic; reasons

~ Tanmay ~ Leave a comment

Music and loneliness have a symbiotic relationship. Music doesn’t cut away the loneliness but it sure numbs the pain that arises out of it. I remember in my second semester at univeristy I had my earphones resting on my ears constantly, no matter where I went. In February 2018 I was introduced to Logic’s Under Pressure by a fellow music enthusiast and music producer. I fell in love with Logic instantly. He is revered by a lot of people for his honest take on anxiety and depression, almost as if an older brother is listening to you and your fears. I remember sitting alone for breakfast eating quickly whilst listening to Buried Alive, the memory is etched so clearly that listening to the song again now brings back images from that time and a thump in my body because of the physiological changes that anxiety brought forth were sometimes more pronounced while listening to relatable music. It was mostly a wrenching of the gut- up and down so strong that it would force my hip up if I was on my bed.

There was a dependence that I fostered on certain types of music that helped channel some of my confusion with life into energy to get up and do shit. I owe a lot to the artists whose music I listened to then. The desperation of loneliness demands prompt attachment to anything constant. People couldn’t be there in the way I needed them to be, so an only child was still the only child at steel tables, with two hundred of his peers ten meters away. It was almost necessary, the way my life unfolded then; it made me impervious.

Everything happens for a reason and the reason is made clear after the happening; almost always.

-Tanmay

self portraiture in hell

~ Tanmay ~ Leave a comment

rough sandpaper

against my cheek,

she hummed her tale of yesteryear’s glory

and I focused on the roughness against my portrait

what if it were to leave a stain?

what if I were to be a branded man?

a marked man

taken to the gallows

for not listening to the glory of a woman

glory of fire, blood and tears in a holy mix-

injected intravenous,

with Stairway to Heaven playing in the background

I never liked that song though

would have rather listened to the cat and monkey screeching at each other

and with her tale unheard still,

she slapped me hard

and I saw stars for a moment

and then she got up and left

and so did the monkey

naturally I named the cat Persephone.

-Tanmay

screaming subconscious

~ Tanmay ~ 2 Comments

Sometimes I don’t understand the origin of the pain that seeps into my poems. The knowledge that there have been terrible experiences is not enough to explain why there is pain still. Why is there hurt hidden beneath, or is it in the air around me?

I attribute it to a subconscious that is still screaming. It is still reeling from the jolts that erupted years ago. The subconscious is screaming because it has no one to talk to- but only me to talk through. Manifesting its active pain into my passive actions. The silence that I prefer hides the screams of the void within.

The pain is too romantic to go away. It’ll cling for as long as it can. It’s a struggle to get it off and whether you like it or not there’s going to be a lot of self correction and learning then unlearning and learning again. But it’s a harder struggle per se, so I resorted to numbing myself, and making myself immune to the world, keeping my pain guarded closely in my arms, feeding its ego and nurturing it further. Till life itself became unsustainable and I was on the brink of losing a lot of what wasn’t mine to lose. I had to take charge of myself through the loneliness and the tough nights and work on my mind.

Taming the mind is a long process requiring practice and discipline, repeated a million times only to reach a point much below any semblance of excellence. Life itself is that process. The way you navigate your life is your process, and that navigation is in your hands only when you’re aware of yourself. Deciphering the meaning of the world and the purpose of existence is nothing but an attempt to understand your own life. The process requires many attributes- such as controlling impulses. I react too quickly to impulses rather than analysing how they might affect my time ahead. Reactions might trigger a fall of a long chain dominos that is nothing but a recipe for disaster. Analysing choices offers insight that will add to better judgment in the future. It sounds easy to say all of this, but the truth is we as human beings falter too much for our own good. Sometimes it’s not under our control either; but if you adopt an attitude of servitude to yourself you might lessen the negatives.

Your mind should work for you.

-Tanmay

blues and hairstreaks + ants

~ Tanmay ~ Leave a comment

Sustainability in relationships is surprising especially where there was not general bonhomie before. We make friends with a diverse group of people as we grow older and find ourselves moving in even more diverse circles professionally and socially. There are multiple studies investigating why people become friends but they’re based on probability and statistics, which render certain scientific-evidence-based overview of friendships, but I don’t believe many of us would tamper with the existing social and emotional dynamic with the people we love and cherish and put scientific labels on it.

There are some friendships based solely on the fact that the two people share one similar interest and thus they have their paths cross at those points in their life which also coincide with the execution of such interests. There are those friendships that go beyond a mono-focused interest or activity base, rather the emotional bond percolates more aspects of personal life of both the friends to the extent that important decisions which alter the lives of people are influenced too.

I have been blessed to have a few such deep relationships with people from both the aforementioned categories (there are more, however in my experience it is broadly divided in the two). It isn’t so from the very first day you meet them though. I can clearly remember my initial years at school where my introvertedness was at a peak and I had fewer friends than the fingers on my hand. The situation is much different now and I am happy for it. So it is also true for me that childhood was a peculiar time where there was often a lot of friction between the people (i.e. kids) in the way they treat each other. If not you, then at least I had that with some people then without whom I can’t imagine the life I would have today.

It is an evolutionary process I feel, where people adapt to protect each other’s vulnerabilities thereby enhancing longevity and happiness.

That’s how it’s been for me so far anyway.

-Tanmay

the time ahead; the worries; the now

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There is no point in thinking about the future or results. They’re a manifestation of the ‘now’ and if you do ‘now’ well then the results will speak for it (in some rare cases they may not). But more or less it is contingent upon the ‘now’.

I’m optimistic about my time ahead with university/life and at the same time I dread setbacks or failures, although I performed really well this semester. I have exciting things to look forward to and have tonnes of shit to do to accomplish them and I’m pretty sure that I’ll probably fail in a lot of stuff, but that’s okay, cause I also have the confidence to keep putting in maximum effort and that eventually one highly desirable opportunity will fall in my lap.

What are you doing now?

-Tanmay